Early this year I reapplied to my former school, and was accepted (YAY!).
Back-story: I attended the same school for 8 consecutive years (grades 1-8). After middle school, I decided I wanted to homeschool for the first two years of high school. It is now the summer of the second year.
Simply looking at my re-acceptance, it seems that everything is going to plan. But it really isn't. I invested A LOT into my academics for the first 7 years of grade school. After that, things started rolling downhill. Slowly at first, but more recently it's as if I'm being chased by a giant cartoon snowball-avalanche.
And now, I'm starting to understand why these characters never just step to the side, thus avoiding the snowball completely. When said snowball is chasing you, avoiding it doesn't feel like an option.
Okay, back to the actual story...post...thing. Starting 8th grade my grades started slipping in certain classes, it wasn't enough to cause much of an alarm for anyone, but it wasn't great news for me. I had just finished the best (academic and otherwise) school year [up to that point]. Second semester, I decided to get it together, and my grades improved. During 9th grade, I fell back into that wonderful trap of complacency.
I learned a lot about myself, life, and whatnot [as many would expect] because I was at home. But, I didn't learn much about concentric circles or germ-line mutations.
I told many people that I started homeschooling, because I wanted a break. This made sense, considering how long I had been at said school; but, I took that excuse too far. This left me with a mountain of work to do my second year, when I realised what had happened.
I wasn't kidding when I said I invested an enormous amount of time and energy into my academics. For the longest time, I was so excited for high school and university. Starting 5th grade, I decided I was going to take all the APs I could. At some point I also decided that I was going to have a 4.0 (or higher) GPA by the end of highschool (a 93% or higher in all my classes). I spent all of elementary school in love with AR tests, because reading made me smarter.
*AR (Accelerated Reader) is a program that tests you on books that you’ve read.
My obsession with my grades and future wasn't the healthiest of obsessions (If there is such thing as a healthy one...), but it did keep my parent/teacher conferences fairly short.
Fast-forwarding to the past two years. My past focus which I just described plus the actions of freshman-me combined to create a wound up sophomore-me. Not only did I have to deal with the work I was given that year, but also all the work I didn't do the previous year.
On one hand, it's just high school, it'll pass. On the other, my former life's plan depends on how I spend the next two years.
So, no, things are not going according to my plan. Homeschooling was not at all what I expected. It was everything I needed and everything I didn't want all wrapped in one experience.
As I spend my last one month and twelve days of freedom, I'm trying. I’m trying not to freak out. I'm trying to enjoy right now with all its unplanned challenges. Trying to enjoy writing persuasive essays and making flashcards detailing the key differences between mitosis and meiosis. I'm trying to make lemonade, and that is all I can do for now.
I never thought I'd be where I am, but I'm okay with it. Some days I'm a lot more okay with it than others. And it took many not-okay days to reach this point.
Things don't always follow our ultra-specific plans. I think that this lesson is FINALLY sinking in, 16 years later. All we can do is work with what we have. We won't always have the perfect conditions. In this season, I'm learning that this will be the case more often than not. Knowing this, doesn't make it significantly easier. There is only so much anticipating and bracing we can do in our lives. Eventually, we just have to deal with whatever and do our best.
My situation is a direct result of the decisions I made in the past, so things aren't going to magically revert to perfection. All I can ask is "God, make it count". This is a prayer I learned from this lovely blog post over here.
I post all of this to say that during uncertain seasons all we can do is "just keep swimming" and just keep trusting. We keep trusting that God meant it all those times when He said He has our backs. We keep trusting that this season is just a season and the He can make it COUNT.
The following are verses and songs that I've had to keep in mind as of late. What verses/songs help you get through hard times?
" 9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” - Joshua 1:9 (NIV)
"11 No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way. 12 So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees. 13 Mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but become strong." - Hebrews 12:11-13 (NLT)