Pre-writing worries: Last night, I was feeling super inspired to write this super amazing post and go a little crazy and post my first ever video. But as I sit here today, I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm so psyched about this invisible post, but severely lacking in the inspiration department. I was very close to not posting at all today, but got a push in the right direction from this lovely post right here.
Disclaimer: I apologise in advance for my excessive use of parentheses as well as my copious number of references to middle school.
When I look back, which I hate doing (but do often anyway), I see a very confused version of myself. I see a girl obsessed with the future, but terrified of changing. I see a girl so caught up in appearing to be smart and focused, that she forgets that report cards aren't end of the world (...unless a parent gets so upset because of their child's report card that they drop atomic bombs all over the world thus leading to the Apocalypse...). And in this moment, I realise, that to some degree, these things are still true about me.
Yet another thing that has not changed about me, is my love for thinking. I love to just sit and think. But my thoughts tend to get in my way...a lot. They lead to me having to reread my school text over and over, missing a lot of what people say, and freaking myself out.
I could have easily driven myself crazy (and I do mean that literally) many times in middle school, because of the combination of all these traits. But I didn't end up in a mental institution, because someones (I'm aware that that's not a word.) always had my back.
My past was and friendships were not all "sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows", but I am very lucky. From the beginning of middle school (a time I've tried many times to block out) I was given the most amazing group of friends. I always had AT LEAST one person to challenge me, watch Disney movies with, and give me a slap back into reality. Some of these people I noticed right away, but it took me awhile to realise most of them.
I'm so grateful that all these people were able to look past my incessant talking and forever slowness and were present. My life would have turned out a whole lot different without them--and I happen to love my life quite a bit, thank you very much.
I am writing this post as a "thank you" to all of those who have had my back over the years, but also to encourage all of you who have read (or skimmed) this far to just stop. Stop looking backward and even forward and just look at what's here. Stop and do more than just see people - notice them. Notice the little things that they do for you. Notice that they take the extra time to explain something to you, that they notice you. Notice when people realise that you're more than just a human, but a person. A person with opinions, feelings, and random knowledge floating around in your head.
I've made the mistake many times of not noticing. Some days I just wouldn't notice. But on bad days I would days I would notice and move on with my life or choose not to notice to escape guilt or obligation. But people should never be treated as obligations.
I find it very easy to live in my own little bubble, where the world is exactly as I want to be, but there's so much more out there than my hopes, my dreams, my likes, and my dislikes. There are your hopes, your dreams, your likes, and your dislikes.
I've missed out on many months and years of friendship, because I love my little bubble. Because I made the conscious choice to do nothing. And I'm sad that I have; but, there's nothing that I can do about lost time except, do my best to not make that mistake again.
Everybody deserves to have this song memorised!